The Inflamed Spleen

Why parts of the Internet will go dark Jan. 18

2012-01-16T11:17:00.001-05:00

Have you heard of SOPA - the Stop Online Piracy Act? It *sounds* like a good idea -- piracy bad! -- but a closer look at this act reveals something terrifying that may change the Internet as we know it.

Google (this includes blogger!), Facebook, Yahoo, AOL, Wordpress, Reddit, The Wikipedia, The Cheezeburger Network, Boing Boing, Twitter, Ebay, LinkedIn & some other major players are considering going dark to take a stand against SOPA because the wording of this proposed bill is so vague & penalties so steep that there may be potential for much abuse. Like, just *linking* to something might be enough to get you in trouble.

Right now the bill looks like it's going to be approved as the majority of senators are in favor of it. We need to reach 41 more senators to make a difference. The senate votes Jan. 24. Here's what you can do:

This page lets you put in a zip code and click a button to notify your local senators.

Please help keep the internet free.

https://wfc2.wiredforchange.com/o/9042/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=8173

Be careful what you wish for (in a running partner)

2011-06-08T09:41:00.000-04:00

Original ad on Craigslist:

i want to get back into shape and am looking for a jogging partner. i
always run better if i can keep the pace with someone else as i am
sure other fellow runners know. i only work afternoons so i can run
during the morning or night, doesnt matter much to me. shoot me an
email if you want to be running partners

Reply:

Dear New Running Partner,

Hello! My name is Mustafi Chukwuemeka Adetokunbo, but my friends call
me Wuemeka. I have just moved to Philadelphia from Kenya and I too am
looking for a running partner. I run for twelve miles every morning,
and another eight at night. I now run a 4 minute mile. I know this is
slow, but no worry, I am aiming to run a 3:50 mile by next month. I
most look forward to running with you, my new friend! Please respond
with your contact information and where you would like to run. I am
not so acquainted with Philadelphia, but I would prefer to run in
densely forested areas if you know of any.

Run with you soon,

Wuemeka

11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids

2011-01-16T23:27:00.000-05:00

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's
breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and
overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have
all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living
room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound)
playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and
go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and
watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work
hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful
and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How
does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the
back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with
your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can
find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent
choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely
take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the
goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney,
Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but
PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know,
you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly.
(Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy';
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while
playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready
to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the
room.

Life, as explained in graphs

2010-10-04T18:05:00.005-04:00

April Fool's joke

2010-04-01T18:10:00.003-04:00

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

~Jack Handey

Should I get a dog or have children?

2010-02-08T17:17:00.002-05:00

Life really boils down to two questions...

1. Should I get a dog....?

Or...

2. Should I have children?

workout diary

2010-01-31T22:02:00.001-05:00

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting
for me.. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to
be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the
morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher.. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made
me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would
have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

someone out there rocks at scrabble

2009-10-23T13:58:00.000-04:00

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Romance math

2009-10-17T13:50:00.000-04:00

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

What would you do??

2009-06-22T19:06:00.001-04:00

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

He paid for the Corvette I bought for you

He paid for our new cabin cruiser.

He paid for your season New York Giant's tickets.

He paid for our house at the lake.

He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues."

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?

The cabby replied; "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Never raise a parrot with a baby

2009-06-01T00:06:00.001-04:00

-- mr. bubble!!

2009-04-05T22:14:00.000-04:00

NOTICE from the management

2009-03-26T11:09:00.005-04:00

DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THIS IS YOUR NEW CUBICLE (at right)

NEW OFFICE POLICY EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

-- sleeping dog

2009-03-18T22:23:00.002-04:00

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

-- the difference between having guts and balls

2009-02-02T21:29:00.001-05:00

Subject: GUTS OR BALLS????

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the out come, since both ultimately result in death.

-- true friends! xoxo lol roflmao omg

2009-01-13T21:16:00.001-05:00

I'm being corny. I hate those "true friend" emails going around the internet! So I bring you one more my style...

Hell as explained by a chemistry student

2008-11-06T21:42:00.002-05:00

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

-- if women ruled the world

2008-09-25T21:32:00.002-04:00

-- toilet birthday cake (or, turning 40)

2008-09-21T00:43:00.002-04:00

Fantastic. I need to learn how to make this.How to make a toilet birthday cake.

funny domain names

2008-09-18T20:42:00.001-04:00

Bad Domain Names

All of these are companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear - and be misread...

Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is
www.whorepresents.com/
Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange Advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com/
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net/
Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com/
There's the Italian Power Generator company,
www.powergenitalia.com/
And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,
www.molestationnursery.com/
If you're looking for IP computer software, there?s always
www.ipanywhere.com/
The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
www.cummingfirst.com/
And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
www.speedofart.com/

Thanks to Kevin Forgot (who's also on twitter)!
from http://humour.200ok.com.au/bad-domain-names.html

-- Procrastination flow chart

2008-09-12T23:30:00.001-04:00

The procrastination flow chart. My favorite part is the loop that leads to "are you hungry?"

cyber sex chats, gone terribly wrong

2008-09-10T21:17:00.001-04:00

http://people.ambrosiasw.com/~andrew/funny/bloodcyber.html

favorites:

Bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
Bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
Bloodninja: Baby?

...

DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order

my life broken into segments

2008-08-14T18:44:00.001-04:00

-- if pharmacist's spoke like doctors wrote

2008-08-14T18:42:00.000-04:00

Funny chat conversation, captured

2008-07-31T21:59:00.003-04:00

This cracked me up:

chuck: have u tried age of conan yet on another not have u gotten ur season 4 pvp or teir 6 pve armor yet
*note

me: wow i wish that was english so i could reply
Read more -->

-- your 12 year old internet chat room friend

2008-05-24T09:55:00.000-04:00

-- sniglets (or made-up words)

2008-05-17T21:39:00.002-04:00

Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning an d cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

-- funny quotes on sex

2008-05-05T23:00:00.003-04:00

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex --no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love." Woody Allen

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

-- on mammograms

2008-05-04T09:29:00.003-04:00

-- fatal computer error

2008-04-10T23:06:00.003-04:00

It can't be that fatal, can it? lol

what's at the end of the rainbow

2008-03-30T20:49:00.003-04:00

Finally , someone has managed to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow!

-- JC Penney catalog from 1977

2008-03-18T22:00:00.002-04:00

One of the funniest things I've read on the internet in a long time. Blog post: JC Penney catalog from 1977.

-- Wal-Mart Has Everything

2008-03-16T11:57:00.000-04:00

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab .
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

-- Happy pi day! (from Will Wheaton)

2008-03-14T23:36:00.002-04:00

Happy pi day, from Will Wheaton.

-- bad day at the office?

2008-03-14T23:30:00.001-04:00

glumbert - Bad Day at the Office

-- "did I do something?" cartoon

2008-03-13T23:23:00.002-04:00

I may not be able to post every day but I do try and bring you good-quality stuff. This one cracked me up:

-- funny cartoons on aging

2008-03-07T23:27:00.002-05:00

Dad's gigantic prostate

2008-02-15T00:32:00.005-05:00

It's so bad it's good...

Just an audio file but I cannot stop laughing!
Dad's gigantic prostate: http://us.share.geocities.com/piggythedog/prostate.mp3

--spleen

ps. for some reason, this link breaks every few weeks. If it's down when you try to look at it, go to his main page (http://us.share.geocities.com/piggythedog) and click directly on the "Dad's Gigantic Prostate" link from there (scroll down, it's under "Joel's Songs").

-- the FAIL blog - full of failures

2008-02-06T23:12:00.000-05:00

See the FAIL blog for pix of things that didn't quite work out, like this:

-- your house as seen by...

2008-02-04T22:17:00.000-05:00

Your house as seen by:

Yourself:

Your buyer:

Your lender:

Your appraiser:

Your NJ tax assessor:

-- letter from the over-35 crowd to today's youth

2008-01-28T21:47:00.000-05:00

The Spoiled Under 35 Crowd

(If you are 35 or older you will think this is hilarious!)

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that...

I'm over the ripe old age of thirty five , I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! and I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it!

1. When I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2. There was no email! ! We had to actually write somebody a letter... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

3. There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

4. We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

5. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

6. We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics were horrible! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! . Just like LIFE!

7. When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

8. Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no screen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!

9. And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing or a pan with HOT oil and Real popcorn kernels and shake it all over the stove forever like an idiot.

10. When we were on the phone with our friends and our parents walked-in, we were stuck to the wall with a cord, a 7 foot cord that ran to the phone - not the phone base, the actual phone. We barely had enough length to sit on the floor and still be able to twirl the phone cord in our fingers. If you suddenly had to go to the bathroom - guess what we had to do.....hang up and talk to them later.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 35 Crowd

-- What she needs (joke)

2008-01-26T17:56:00.000-05:00

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, and walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Monday and Wednesdays but on Fridays I go fishing."

-- Nontraditional A Cappella Christmas song

2008-01-21T16:59:00.000-05:00

Sounds traditional at the beginning but worth listening 'til the very end.

moving tip

2008-01-17T01:20:00.000-05:00

-- Kid sandwiched between two fatties on a bike

2008-01-15T23:23:00.000-05:00

There is actually a child in this photo, look hard. Poor kid. No one likes being trapped between parents no matter what size.

-- why you shouldn't let your mom make your wedding invitations!

2008-01-14T20:46:00.001-05:00

-- Brothel Trip (joke)

2008-01-13T00:17:00.000-05:00

An elderly man (different one) goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the madam. Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?

...

image credits

-- Advice for advertisers - if you're selling anti-wrinkle cream, the models shouldn't have wrinkles

2008-01-07T17:29:00.000-05:00

I got this in the mail the other day and was looking it over thinking hmmm, I could maybe use an anti-wrinkle cream.

Then I'm looking more closely at the ad.... shouldn't the model be a shining example of what I will look like once I slather this stuff on my face? I've never SEEN crows feet like these! Maybe the advertisers were only focusing on the "slackened-skin" chin and didn't notice the Klingon wrinkle set further up but come on. You could have Photoshopped this a little better than that!

-- computer jokes

2008-01-05T22:57:00.000-05:00

-- Bitch! I live in a fucking trash can! (Chappelle clip and MP3)

2008-01-03T23:37:00.003-05:00

I love Dave Chappelle. Here's his clip about why Oscar the Grouch is so grumpy: "Bitch! I live in a fucking trash can!"
(*Download 33k mp3)
To download, right-click and select "save target as" or "save link as."
Or see video below, embedded from Ebaum's World:

oh snap!

2008-01-02T23:24:00.000-05:00

New Year's resolutions I can actually keep

2008-01-01T01:50:00.000-05:00

10. Read less.
9. Put on at least 30 pounds.
8. Stop exercising so much.
7. Watch more TV.
6. Procrastinate more.
5. Drink more.
4. Eat more junk and less veggies.
3. Waste more water and stop turning off so many unused lights.
2. Eat out more.
1. Spend more money.

How the Internet changed my life

2007-12-31T00:01:00.000-05:00

Homer Simpson singing Christmas Carol

2007-12-29T18:35:00.001-05:00

My favorite Christmas carol, by Homer Simpson: "Ding fries are done." Happy Holidays!

Looking for computer engineers

2007-12-26T23:42:00.000-05:00

One of those "if you understand it, you've got the job" types of ads. (Click on picture to enlarge so you can see it more clearly.)

Very effective guard dog sign

2007-12-26T23:38:00.000-05:00

I've seen this before in person and have always gotten a kick out of it...

This about says it (traffic sign)

2007-12-26T23:15:00.001-05:00

Positive proof of global warming

2007-12-26T23:05:00.000-05:00

Your Honking Has Shown Me The Error Of My Ways

2007-12-26T22:39:00.000-05:00

Writer regrets the 0.08 second delay he caused the driver behind him when he didn't gun his engine the instant the light changed... (from The Onion) (illustration by Scott R. Brooks)

It took me all week and I had a bad headache, but I finally got my tree up!

2007-12-10T13:16:00.000-05:00

(not mine, was circulating around the internet... but was funny so I wanted to share on my joke blog! -spleen)

Put it in Purse

2007-12-09T10:14:00.000-05:00

From Kev Jumba, the #1 most subscribed-to comedian on YouTube. This video of his mom teaching him to drive a stick shift is hilarious!

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

2007-12-09T09:57:00.000-05:00

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, ...

At last, a religious traffic sign

2007-12-05T14:03:00.000-05:00

funny definitions (aka sniglets)

2007-12-02T13:36:00.000-05:00

Here are the winners of the Washington Post Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Put your thinking cap on. These are really clever!

The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid AND an a**hole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which only lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting some.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Thanksgiving joke

2007-11-21T22:16:00.001-05:00

One of the least useful police sketches in history

2007-11-20T18:11:00.000-05:00

Be on the lookout in the St. Louis area for a burglar (via one of the least useful composite sketches in Missouri police history).

Gangster Flintstones

2007-11-06T18:02:00.000-05:00

why school is important (aka "walmart cake")

2007-11-06T12:37:00.000-05:00

I don't know where this came from but it arrived in my inbox and I had to share it. -spleen

I think we should all print this out as proof of why our kids need high school/college diplomas.

We had a "going away" party yesterday for a lady at our Little Rock claim office. One of the supervisors called a Wal-Mart and ordered the cake.

He told them to write:

"Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that write "We will miss you".

As the picture shows, it didn't quite turn out right. It was too funny not to keep it.

having a bad day

2007-11-04T12:20:00.000-05:00

Daughter's boyfriend doesn't seem so bad now, eh?

2007-10-31T20:22:00.000-04:00

Tattoos and piercing like I've seldom seen...these are not Halloween costumes.

Too busy to have kids?

2007-10-29T21:11:00.000-04:00

Dancing bird

2007-10-25T21:15:00.000-04:00

Bird-lovers will appreciate this -- Snowball, the dancing cockatoo revs it up to the Back Street Boys. (1 min. 17 sec.)

Internet slang

2007-10-24T21:19:00.000-04:00

What if people had whole conversations in Internet slang? Here's what they might sound like:

From Disneykid1, a really funny YouTuber.

If you're not sure if you want kids, try this

2007-10-24T10:45:00.000-04:00

pumpkins from tonight

2007-10-21T02:06:00.000-04:00

The fruit (or, rather, vegetable) of tonight's labors:

Love letter from F. -- beware

2007-10-19T21:23:00.000-04:00

I hope I don't get one of these this year...

My Dearest,

I will seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & grown. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I am finished with you - and when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

My best to you,
The FLU

Funny thoughts on marriage

2007-10-18T23:10:00.000-04:00

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -Socrates

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. -Henny Youngman

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't. -Patrick Murray

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -Milton Berle

The most revolting dishes I have ever heard of.

2007-10-17T23:55:00.000-04:00

This page depicts six actual food dishes which are all equally so revolting I can't even label one as being the worst. Baby mice wine... ant eggs... maggot-ridden cheese... ugh, I can't go on.

Shakira spoof video

2007-10-15T23:02:00.001-04:00

The best version of "hips don't lie" ever...

My cubicle

2007-10-14T13:52:00.001-04:00

To the tune of "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt... here's "My Cubicle" (2 minutes)...

How to tell if you're not mom's favorite

2007-10-14T00:42:00.001-04:00

Dog or kids?

2007-10-12T20:14:00.000-04:00

Should I get a dog...

Or have children?

famous last (redneck) words

2007-10-08T09:44:00.000-04:00

Q. What are the last things a redneck says before he goes to the emergency room?

A. "Here, hold my beer," and "Hey, y'all... watch this!"

The angry chicken

2007-10-07T12:51:00.001-04:00

Hilarious video: The Angry Chicken (by Nike), about a minute long. You have no idea how pissed a chicken can be until you see this.

installing a cheap security system

2007-10-03T22:36:00.000-04:00

Ok, so someone sends me this joke earlier and just by coincidence Dan is out driving around and passes this sign and sends me the picture. Unbelievable timing! --spleen

Installing a Cheap Home Security System

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with copies of the Guns & Ammo magazine and some back-issues of NRA magazine.

3. Put several giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines(Include a deer thigh-bone).

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Duke,

Big Jim, Slammer, Slim, and I went for more hollow-point ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and they messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it. Thank God! It was hard to tell, though, from all the blood. Took Bobbi-Jo hours to clean up the sidewalk. Anyways, I locked all four of 'em dogs up in the house. Better wait outside. They're kinda spooked.

So here's the note Dan found today (of all days! I am not making this up!)

10/7 update:

Ok, so I learned the "notis" was actually written by someone, but not the guy who posted it up in Maryland. It's actually written by B. Criscom about a century ago, according to a paper in Google's cache from the NY State Bar Association's website which says:

At the head office of the Union Pacific Railroad in Omaha there is an old photograph of a sign that was nailed up along the right-of-way of the railroad somewhere in the Midwest about a century ago. It reads:

“Notis! Trespassers will be persecuted to the full extent of two mungrel dogs which never was over sochible to strangers and 1 dubble brl shot gun which aint loded with sofa pillers. Dam if I ant getting tired of this hell raisin on my place.” B.Criscom.

Cubic Tragedy, by Ming-Yuan Chuan

2007-08-11T23:42:00.001-04:00

Cubic Tragedy -- a fantastic piece by Ming-Yuan Chuan. 3 minutes 30 seconds:

More about Ming-Yuan Chuan here:
http://www.stung.org/?p=173

best singles ad

2007-08-02T15:54:00.001-04:00

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeking permanent male companionship. Ethnicity is unimportant. I'm a very good girl, but I also LOVE to play. My favorite things to do are: going on long walks, riding around in a pickup truck, hunting, camping, and going on fishing trips. I would love to spend winter nights, lying next to you, by a warm cozy fire. Candlelight dinners would have me eating right out of your hand. I'd be waiting for you each night, when you get home from work, wearing nothing but what nature gave me. If interested, Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy. I'll be waiting for you...

poorly placed ads

2007-07-31T23:23:00.000-04:00

I can't believe some of these are real!

sorry for the lag in posting

2007-07-09T00:03:00.000-04:00

I've been overwhelmed by a kitchen renovation project and haven't been online much... will slowly get back up there. -spleen

Crocodile Hunter meets Ross the Intern

2007-04-08T09:56:00.001-04:00

I cannot stop laughing! See this video of when the Crocodile Hunter meets Ross the Intern. What a wonderful way to remember Steve Irwin (boy do I miss him). I love Ross, he is hilarious! --spleen

My cubicle is sucking the lifeforce out of me (Dilbert Joke)

2007-04-04T11:15:00.000-04:00

Thoughts about flying from George Carlin

2007-03-06T09:54:00.000-05:00

Check out this funny collection of airplane quotes from George Carlin, from "Words of Wisdom We've Heard Over Airline PA Systems." which includes other stuff, like quotes from passengers: (after a rough landing) "Did we land, or did we get shot down?"

I also like the list of snippets from airline maintenance logs. Enjoy! --spleen

"They say 'Get on the plane! Get on the plane'!......I say ' f**k you, I'm getting IN the plane!'. Let Evil Kneivel get ON the plane."

"as part of this boarding process, they say, "We would like to pre-board." Well what exactly is that, anyway? What does it mean to pre-board? To get on before you get on!"

"When two planes almost collide, they call it a near miss. IT'S A NEAR HIT! A collision is a near miss. POOOF, look, they nearly missed. YES, BUT NOT QUITE!!!"

" 'In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure'--ROOF FLIES OFF! ' . . An oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. Place the mask over your face and breathe normally.' Well, I have no problem with that. I always breathe normally when I'm in a 600 mile an hour uncontrolled vertical dive. I also s**t normally. RIGHT IN MY PANTS!"

"They tell you to adjust YOUR oxygen mask before helping your child with his. I did not need to be told that. In fact, I'm probably going to be too busy screaming to help him at all. This will be a good time for him to learn self-reliance. If he can program his fucking VCR, he could goddamn, jolly-well learn to adjust an oxygen mask. Fairly simple thing, just a little rubber band in the back is all it is. Not nearly as complicated as say, for instance, a seatbelt."

" 'In the unlikely event of a water landing . . .' Well, what exactly is a water landing? Am I mistaken, or does this sound somewhat similar to CRASHING INTO THE OCEAN!?' "

" 'Enjoy your stay in Chicago, or wherever your final destination might be.' All destinations are final! That's what it means, destiny-final. If you haven't gotten where you're going, you aren't there yet."

Why men shouldn't take messages

2007-03-02T20:30:00.000-05:00

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:

Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.

winner of ugliest page ever website contest

2007-02-18T23:43:00.000-05:00

Winner of the ugliest website contest: http://www.myspace.com/beautifulsqaurdon

Beware, this has SOUND so do not view unless you have privacy.

picture and article do not go together

2007-02-07T17:22:00.000-05:00

I was looking at Google news today (the health section) when I scroll down to the last item and see an article on how many people died of cholera today in the Congo. Next to it is the smiling, happy face of a white woman holding an apple. WTF??

computer error messages

2007-01-21T09:34:00.000-05:00

(click on any of these to enlarge)

I think its my spleen...: Top 10 (or bottom 10)

2007-01-19T09:47:00.000-05:00

From a fellow spleen blog:

I think its my spleen...: My Top 10 (or bottom 10)

Hilarious. You have to check out "Fire Ants on a Mutha#%$&# Bike!!! --spleen

Ridiculous inventions

2007-01-14T20:17:00.000-05:00

This was circulating on the internet. I have no idea where these images came from but the title of the email was "ridiculous inventions." I agree, except for draping umbrella, which I would actually use.

For the cold that won't quit, here's a limitless supply of tissue at the ready:

It's just really a pain to break out the butter knife. Well now you are liberated! Carry these in your purse or briefcase for easy-buttering on-the-go:

Not able to sleep on the train? Here are two inventions that may help:

I hate it when my noodles are too hot to slurp down!

This actually looks really cool. I would use that:

This, on the other hand, is ridiculous. This cannot be real:

-spleen

amazing things you can do with paper

2007-01-12T13:05:00.000-05:00

The design involves not only the cut-out but what you can do with the cut-out.

Day at the beach, and more cartoons

2006-12-28T20:55:00.000-05:00