Thursday, December 28, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
Hallmark cards that don't exist
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
__________________
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
__________________
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
__________________
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
__________________
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
__________________
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Have such an ugly baby?
__________________
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
__________________
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
__________________
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
__________________
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
__________________
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Thursday, December 7, 2006
need new rules in today's society
1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
2. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
3. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
4. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
5. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
2. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
3. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
4. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
5. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Homer Simpson's Christmas Song
Check out audio of Homer Simpson's Christmas song, to get you in the holiday spirit! --spleen
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Thursday, November 2, 2006
Nut house admittance policies (joke)
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
(Did you pass, or do you want the bed next to mine? -spleen)
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
(Did you pass, or do you want the bed next to mine? -spleen)
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
wake-up call (joke)
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Sunday, July 16, 2006
One more way a car is not like a truck
"How not to do this" example photos from the Naval Safety Center -- here is one where someone was moving and used their car to haul a refrigerator.
Once you're here, take a look at the other photos of the week. This site is a time sink but worth it! --spleen
Once you're here, take a look at the other photos of the week. This site is a time sink but worth it! --spleen
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Overheard in New York
I just found this hilarious site, overheardinnewyork.com - check out this conversation:
Woman #1: Ma'am, could you please move your bag so I could sit down?
Woman #2: No, can't you see I'm busy, bitch? And I'm not movin this fuckin' thing. It's heavy and I don't want to pick it up again! Sit somewhere else.
(She goes back to reading Jesus and Mary: The Key to Divine Love and Inner Peace.)
--149th St station downtown platform
...
Tourist: Is this the way to the subway?
Guard: No. You need to go west of 49th.
Tourist: Can I go down there anyway?
Guard: No. There's a special event.
Tourist: Please? We're from California.
Guard: No. Welcome to New York.
--Rockefeller Center
Woman #1: Ma'am, could you please move your bag so I could sit down?
Woman #2: No, can't you see I'm busy, bitch? And I'm not movin this fuckin' thing. It's heavy and I don't want to pick it up again! Sit somewhere else.
(She goes back to reading Jesus and Mary: The Key to Divine Love and Inner Peace.)
--149th St station downtown platform
...
Tourist: Is this the way to the subway?
Guard: No. You need to go west of 49th.
Tourist: Can I go down there anyway?
Guard: No. There's a special event.
Tourist: Please? We're from California.
Guard: No. Welcome to New York.
--Rockefeller Center
Saturday, June 17, 2006
high-heeled car and other interesting photos
Is this even real?
This has to be photoshopped but cracks me up anyway.
Looks like someone didn't have a smooth breakup.
No way. If this isn't photoshopped, where in the world was this taken?
I wonder who's backyard this was... and how long it was before they ventured out into it again.
Alright, bite the hand that feeds you, then.
Amazing that the body can bend like this.
Golf game's over!
This should be (if it isn't already) on that cute website where you shrivel up and implode due to cuteness overload.
I almost got into an accident once driving down the freeway when I saw the meowmix mobile and my head (and then almost my car) spun into a 360. I cannot imagine seeing this on the road!
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
winner of longest email subject contest
I get a lot of spam regularly and just delete it. However I have to share this screenshot showing one email which wins the award for having the longest subject line I've ever received! --spleen
Friday, May 26, 2006
Hunters common sense (joke)
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said that the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. But even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck one man asked the other, " Any idea where we are?"
"Yeah. I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. But even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck one man asked the other, " Any idea where we are?"
"Yeah. I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
wedding-cake topper, cat stuck in closet, and pregnancy graphic
Baby inside
Hilarious wedding-cake topper
Is this even real? It doesn't look photoshopped but how in the world did the cat end up this way?
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Sunday, April 9, 2006
no pun intended
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was superb.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
Saturday, April 1, 2006
more redneck pics - redneck doghouse, casual day at the dollar store, and more
Redneck dog house
Redneck wedding cake
(This actually looks pretty good! haha)
Redneck mailbox
(Not a bad idea...)
Redneck moving
It's so refreshing to be able to be yourself at the dollar store because you know how tiring it can be to meet Walmart's demanding dress code!
Monday, March 13, 2006
Jersey girls
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a woman from Washington and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he had given his wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told his buddies that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a woman from New Jersey. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table three times a day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a lawn service.
Gotta love those New Jersey girls!
The first man had married a woman from Washington and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he had given his wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told his buddies that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a woman from New Jersey. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table three times a day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a lawn service.
Gotta love those New Jersey girls!
Monday, February 27, 2006
redneck grill, lotto winner, and more
Redneck grill
Redneck lotto winner
Redneck boat
Redneck guest quarters
Redneck pet carrier
Redneck PDA
Redneck game of horseshoe
Redneck weather station
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