Life, as explained in graphs

April Fool's joke

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

~Jack Handey

Should I get a dog or have children?

Life really boils down to two questions...

1. Should I get a dog....?



Or...

2. Should I have children?

workout diary

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting
for me.. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to
be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the
morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher.. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made
me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would
have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!