Thursday, December 28, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
Hallmark cards that don't exist
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
__________________
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
__________________
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
__________________
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
__________________
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
__________________
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Have such an ugly baby?
__________________
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
__________________
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
__________________
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
__________________
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
__________________
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Thursday, December 7, 2006
need new rules in today's society
1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
2. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
3. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
4. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
5. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
2. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
3. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
4. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
5. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Homer Simpson's Christmas Song
Check out audio of Homer Simpson's Christmas song, to get you in the holiday spirit! --spleen
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