How the Internet changed my life

Homer Simpson singing Christmas Carol

My favorite Christmas carol, by Homer Simpson: "Ding fries are done." Happy Holidays!

Looking for computer engineers

One of those "if you understand it, you've got the job" types of ads. (Click on picture to enlarge so you can see it more clearly.)

Very effective guard dog sign

I've seen this before in person and have always gotten a kick out of it...

This about says it (traffic sign)

Positive proof of global warming

Your Honking Has Shown Me The Error Of My Ways

Writer regrets the 0.08 second delay he caused the driver behind him when he didn't gun his engine the instant the light changed... (from The Onion) (illustration by Scott R. Brooks)

It took me all week and I had a bad headache, but I finally got my tree up!

(not mine, was circulating around the internet... but was funny so I wanted to share on my joke blog! -spleen)

Put it in Purse

From Kev Jumba, the #1 most subscribed-to comedian on YouTube. This video of his mom teaching him to drive a stick shift is hilarious!

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, ...

At last, a religious traffic sign

funny definitions (aka sniglets)

Here are the winners of the Washington Post Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Put your thinking cap on. These are really clever!

The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid AND an a**hole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which only lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting some.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Thanksgiving joke

One of the least useful police sketches in history

Be on the lookout in the St. Louis area for a burglar (via one of the least useful composite sketches in Missouri police history).

Gangster Flintstones

why school is important (aka "walmart cake")

I don't know where this came from but it arrived in my inbox and I had to share it. -spleen

I think we should all print this out as proof of why our kids need high school/college diplomas.

We had a "going away" party yesterday for a lady at our Little Rock claim office. One of the supervisors called a Wal-Mart and ordered the cake.

He told them to write:

"Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that write "We will miss you".

As the picture shows, it didn't quite turn out right. It was too funny not to keep it.

having a bad day

Daughter's boyfriend doesn't seem so bad now, eh?

Tattoos and piercing like I've seldom seen...these are not Halloween costumes.

Too busy to have kids?

Dancing bird

Bird-lovers will appreciate this -- Snowball, the dancing cockatoo revs it up to the Back Street Boys. (1 min. 17 sec.)

Internet slang

What if people had whole conversations in Internet slang? Here's what they might sound like:

From Disneykid1, a really funny YouTuber.

If you're not sure if you want kids, try this

pumpkins from tonight

The fruit (or, rather, vegetable) of tonight's labors:

Love letter from F. -- beware

I hope I don't get one of these this year...

My Dearest,

I will seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & grown. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I am finished with you - and when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

My best to you,
The FLU

Funny thoughts on marriage

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -Socrates

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. -Henny Youngman

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't. -Patrick Murray

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -Milton Berle

The most revolting dishes I have ever heard of.

This page depicts six actual food dishes which are all equally so revolting I can't even label one as being the worst. Baby mice wine... ant eggs... maggot-ridden cheese... ugh, I can't go on.

Shakira spoof video

The best version of "hips don't lie" ever...

My cubicle

To the tune of "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt... here's "My Cubicle" (2 minutes)...

How to tell if you're not mom's favorite

Dog or kids?

Should I get a dog...

Or have children?

famous last (redneck) words

Q. What are the last things a redneck says before he goes to the emergency room?

A. "Here, hold my beer," and "Hey, y'all... watch this!"

The angry chicken

Hilarious video: The Angry Chicken (by Nike), about a minute long. You have no idea how pissed a chicken can be until you see this.

installing a cheap security system

Ok, so someone sends me this joke earlier and just by coincidence Dan is out driving around and passes this sign and sends me the picture. Unbelievable timing! --spleen

Installing a Cheap Home Security System

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with copies of the Guns & Ammo magazine and some back-issues of NRA magazine.

3. Put several giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines(Include a deer thigh-bone).

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Duke,

Big Jim, Slammer, Slim, and I went for more hollow-point ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and they messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it. Thank God! It was hard to tell, though, from all the blood. Took Bobbi-Jo hours to clean up the sidewalk. Anyways, I locked all four of 'em dogs up in the house. Better wait outside. They're kinda spooked.

So here's the note Dan found today (of all days! I am not making this up!)



10/7 update:

Ok, so I learned the "notis" was actually written by someone, but not the guy who posted it up in Maryland. It's actually written by B. Criscom about a century ago, according to a paper in Google's cache from the NY State Bar Association's website which says:

At the head office of the Union Pacific Railroad in Omaha there is an old photograph of a sign that was nailed up along the right-of-way of the railroad somewhere in the Midwest about a century ago. It reads:

“Notis! Trespassers will be persecuted to the full extent of two mungrel dogs which never was over sochible to strangers and 1 dubble brl shot gun which aint loded with sofa pillers. Dam if I ant getting tired of this hell raisin on my place.” B.Criscom.

Cubic Tragedy, by Ming-Yuan Chuan

Cubic Tragedy -- a fantastic piece by Ming-Yuan Chuan. 3 minutes 30 seconds:

More about Ming-Yuan Chuan here:
http://www.stung.org/?p=173

best singles ad

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeking permanent male companionship. Ethnicity is unimportant. I'm a very good girl, but I also LOVE to play. My favorite things to do are: going on long walks, riding around in a pickup truck, hunting, camping, and going on fishing trips. I would love to spend winter nights, lying next to you, by a warm cozy fire. Candlelight dinners would have me eating right out of your hand. I'd be waiting for you each night, when you get home from work, wearing nothing but what nature gave me. If interested, Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy. I'll be waiting for you...

poorly placed ads

I can't believe some of these are real!

Crocodile Hunter meets Ross the Intern

I cannot stop laughing! See this video of when the Crocodile Hunter meets Ross the Intern. What a wonderful way to remember Steve Irwin (boy do I miss him). I love Ross, he is hilarious! --spleen

My cubicle is sucking the lifeforce out of me (Dilbert Joke)

Thoughts about flying from George Carlin

Check out this funny collection of airplane quotes from George Carlin, from "Words of Wisdom We've Heard Over Airline PA Systems." which includes other stuff, like quotes from passengers: (after a rough landing) "Did we land, or did we get shot down?"

I also like the list of snippets from airline maintenance logs. Enjoy! --spleen

---

"They say 'Get on the plane! Get on the plane'!......I say ' f**k you, I'm getting IN the plane!'. Let Evil Kneivel get ON the plane."

"as part of this boarding process, they say, "We would like to pre-board." Well what exactly is that, anyway? What does it mean to pre-board? To get on before you get on!"

"When two planes almost collide, they call it a near miss. IT'S A NEAR HIT! A collision is a near miss. POOOF, look, they nearly missed. YES, BUT NOT QUITE!!!"

" 'In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure'--ROOF FLIES OFF! ' . . An oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. Place the mask over your face and breathe normally.' Well, I have no problem with that. I always breathe normally when I'm in a 600 mile an hour uncontrolled vertical dive. I also s**t normally. RIGHT IN MY PANTS!"

"They tell you to adjust YOUR oxygen mask before helping your child with his. I did not need to be told that. In fact, I'm probably going to be too busy screaming to help him at all. This will be a good time for him to learn self-reliance. If he can program his fucking VCR, he could goddamn, jolly-well learn to adjust an oxygen mask. Fairly simple thing, just a little rubber band in the back is all it is. Not nearly as complicated as say, for instance, a seatbelt."

" 'In the unlikely event of a water landing . . .' Well, what exactly is a water landing? Am I mistaken, or does this sound somewhat similar to CRASHING INTO THE OCEAN!?' "

" 'Enjoy your stay in Chicago, or wherever your final destination might be.' All destinations are final! That's what it means, destiny-final. If you haven't gotten where you're going, you aren't there yet."

Why men shouldn't take messages

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:

Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.

winner of ugliest page ever website contest

Winner of the ugliest website contest: http://www.myspace.com/beautifulsqaurdon

Beware, this has SOUND so do not view unless you have privacy.

picture and article do not go together

I was looking at Google news today (the health section) when I scroll down to the last item and see an article on how many people died of cholera today in the Congo. Next to it is the smiling, happy face of a white woman holding an apple. WTF??

computer error messages

(click on any of these to enlarge)