ADD videos

Videos of and by ADD - by my nephew Adam and his friends. He's the director, producer, editor, etc. My favorite video is the "Kung Fu" video.

funny video

David Lavon and the Chevra. Funny video of young Jewish guys singing and dancing in the streets of London, Israel, and parts of the U.S.

unintentionally sexually suggestive comic book covers

It's all in how you look at it... but these analyses are pretty funny!

joke - hubby who forgot anniversary

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there'd better be something in the driveway for
me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

Well, the boss said to do it!

funny sign: keep off the grass

Too late. It's already been trampled!

You should still be a good person... even if this quote is depressing

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you're a vegetarian."

-Dennis Wholey

For Men: dangerous and safe approaches to use during PMS

> DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
> SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
> SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
> ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
>
> DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
> SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
> SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
> ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
>
> DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
> SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
> SAFEST: Here's my paycheque.
> ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
>
> DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
> SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
> SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
> ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
>
> DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
> SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
> SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
> ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.

math test questions (baby blues cartoon)

Hippo snuggling with tortois (incl. photos)

This is adorable. A hippo befriended a tortois. I checked this on Snopes and it's true. Read on:

NAIROBI(AFP) - A baby hippopotamus that survived the tsunami waves on the Kenyan coast has formed a strong bond with a giant male century-old tortoise, in an animal facility in the port city ofMombassa, officials said.The hippopotamus, nicknamedOwenand weighing about 300 kilograms (650 pounds), was swept down Sabaki River into the Indian Ocean, then forced back to shore when tsunami waves struck the Kenyan coast on December 26, before wildlife rangers rescued him."It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted a male tortoise, about acentury old, and the tortoise seems to be very happy with being a 'mother'," ecologistPaula Kahumbu,who is in charge of Lafarge Park, told AFP.

"After it was swept and lost its mother, the hippo was traumatized. It had to look for something to be a surrogate mother. Fortunately, it landed on the tortoise and established a strong bond. They swim, eat and sleep together," the ecologist added. "The hippo follows the tortoise exactly the way it follows its mother. If somebody approaches the tortoise, the hippo becomes aggressive, as if protecting its biologicalmother," Kahumbu added. "The hippo is a young baby,he was left at a very tender age and by nature, hippos are social animals that like to stay with their mothers for four years," he explained.
...
(Corny but the footnote appearing w/this story does have a point.) This story shows that our differences don't matter much when we need the comfort of another. We could all learn a lesson from these two creatures of nature; Look beyond the differences and find a way to walk the path together.

New Video Game Designed To Have No Influence On Kids' Behavior

I'm laughing at this article about a new video game "Stacker" where one stacks boxes. Here's a short clip (or read the whole article, from the Onion, here).

Take-Two executives said they were inspired by "real critics."

"We're just giving kids what their parents say they need," said Take-Two vice president of marketing Allyson Spicer. "In today's economic environment, it's foolish not to listen to the people who dislike everything about our products."

Though some have compared Stacker to Tetris, those within the industry have been quick to draw distinctions between the two games.

"Tetris' suggestively twisting and turning blocks, violent falling motions, and increasingly frenzied suspense are a potential influence on children," said video-game ethicist Steve Contreras. "By contrast, after playing Stacker, with its eternally unchanging shapes and gentle lowering actions, I doubt a child would ever want to arrange any sort of virtual block again. This is exactly what this controversial industry needed to rescue its reputation."

Cuteness overload

I am going to shrivel up and die. I can't believe some of these adorable pictures at Cuteoverload.com. This picture looks just like my dog!

How life on earth *really* started

(From the Funny Times cartoon archive)

Don't eat beans if you're going to put on a wetsuit

blonde driver

more Jewish jokes

Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human?
A. When it graduates from medical school.

Q. What is the technical term for a Jewish woman who catches her husband in the act with his secretary?
A. "The Plaintiff."

Q. What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother?
A. The accent.

baby got book

I am dying laughing. Check out this video "baby got book".

another video

This is sweeping the globe! How can I ever be the same again. Do a Google video search and you'll find a zillion renditions of "I want it that way" by the Back Street Boys. Those chinese students I mentioned last still rock but THESE GUYS are pretty awesome too. They've got it down all the way to the guy in the background reading a book.

video of students lip-synching

OMG. These guys are my new heroes. It's along the lines of the Numa Numa song that was out a few months back. The guy in the background who seems oblivious to all the commotion cracks me up. Apparently you can use Google to search for videos and that's how a friend of mine found this.

UPDATE Nov. 28 - I found out who these guys are! They're majoring in sculpture at the Guangzhou Arts Institute. They have a blog but it's in Chinese.

with customers like these, who needs friends?

Funny post on Clientcopia: 'At our facility we recently changed our hours from 8am to 4pm. A man comes in at 3:50pm. and says "Oh I see you close at 4 now, does that mean 'I' have to leave at 4?"'

Here's another Clientcopia post from someone who worked at a photo store.

Here are the top 20. If you're a designer of any kind you will especially like this site.

more of weird-food.com, venus flytrap dies after eating spam

Here are a few more snippets from www.weird-food.com:

- Someone reportedly fed Spam to their Venus fly trap and it died.

- If you haven't already, you can fry up your placenta for a tasty dish.

- Have you ever tried silkworm pupas? Steve did. (Check out that link after you read this:) "Steaming, grey silk worm grubs can be found in vendor's carts on the back streets of Seoul, Korea. There's this one oriental grocery store near me that I've been going to for several years. At first, as expected, when I asked what strange things were I get the standard "You won't like that." I soon got past that stage with the owner. It's probably been over a year since I've got the you-won't-like-it explanation. Today I got it again! The food in question? "Chrysalis." It's a can of bugs. Of course I bought it, but I don't know what to do with it. I opened the can, and it certainly smelled strange. I was assured that it was delicious and very healthy. Do I just heat it and enjoy? Would fresh chrysalis bugs be better than canned? Thanks for the help. Guess: A caterpillar spins a cocoon around itself when it is ready to mutate into a butterfly or moth. At this stage it is known as a "chrysalis" or "pupa". Perhaps they're silkworm pupae, since the orient produces a lot of silk."

weird food - surstromming

I just found weird-food.com. Here's a description of someone's experience with surstromming:

The most disgusting thing I've ever attempted to eat in my life must go to a Swedish dish called Surstromming, translated into English as 'fermented herring.' Now, surstromming is something that I often heard mentioned by friends, "Hey, Bob, have you eaten surstromming yet, hah hah hah?" I knew that it was fermented fish and that eating it would be a challenge but, having eaten all sorts of weird seafood when I lived in Spain, I was determined to give it a go.

One day, just around lunchtime, I was shopping in my local supermarket when I came across a tin of the stuff. "Well, now seems as good a time as any," I thought, and popped it into my shopping basket. When I got back home, I put it in the middle of the kitchen table and took a tin opener out of the drawer. Now, what no one had told me was that fermenting builds up quite a lot of pressure inside the can and that you should always cover a surstromming can with a cloth before you open it. The other thing I didn't know is that surstromming is usually eaten outdoors.

I leaned over the tin and just at the moment I pierced it, there was a hissing sound and then a fountain of juice shot into the air and spattered the left lens of my glasses - thank goodness I was wearing glasses; I hate to think what it could have done to my eye. Then, the air in the room was filled with a stench that was reminiscent of a public toilet that hadn't been cleaned for 20 years. I picked up a piece of the fish on my fork, held my breath, screwed up my eyes and placed it into my mouth.

Can you imagine how a solidified lump of surgical spirit would taste? Well, that's the feeling I had as it burned into my tongue. I rushed over to the kitchen sink, spat it out, coughed a lot, and drank several glasses of water. Then I went back to the table, tied up the can in 3 plastic bags and dumped it in the garbage. Some of the juice had spilled onto the plastic tablecloth, so I wiped it up with a dishcloth, opened the window to get rid of the stench and then left the room.

When I went back into the kitchen 10 minutes later, I beheld the most nauseating thing I've ever seen in my whole life. The room was full of flies - about forty of them and they were just going absolutely crazy, charging all around the room at supersonic speed, bouncing off one wall, then bouncing off the opposite one. I put my handkerchief over my mouth (the fact that I didn't throw up was close to miraculous), ran over to the window and closed it. I then ran for some fly spray and just sprayed continuously for over a minute. Then I left the room and waited for about 10 minutes. Finally, I looked back in - all the flies were lying on the floor. I got the vacuum cleaner out of the room and swiftly disposed of the remains.

Sweden has some nice dishes. I loved pytt i panna, Janssons frestelse, and pickled (as opposed to 'fermented' herring) washed down with Swedish schnapps is a wonderful treat. But as for surstromming... well, enough said.

Unfortunate domain names (like penisland.net)

1. 'Who Represents?' A company database for agencies to the rich and famous. http://www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange. A knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views. http://www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island...http://www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try here. http://www.therapistfinder.com

5. Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales. http://www.molestationnursery.com

(This next one took me a minute) 6. Gas central heating anyone? http://www.gasheating.co.uk

Jewish mother/daughter joke

This made me laugh:
...
Phone rings.
JEWISH MOTHER (picks up the phone and answers)
Jewish Mother: Hello?
Daughter: Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Jewish Mother: You're going out?
Daughter: Yes.
Jewish Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Jewish Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Jewish Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Jewish Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Jewish Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
Jewish Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Jewish Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter: He's not a loser.
Jewish Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Jewish Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Jewish Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH !!!
Jewish Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Jewish Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye, mother.
Jewish Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Jewish Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

Five tips for women

Five tips for women.

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Our cheery household pumpkin on the front porch

Here's our cheery Halloween pumpkin for this year... it has started to rot but the mold gives it more character! I had to post this because I laugh everytime I see it.

another joke: what does a kiss taste like?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test.

She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue... It's the thing your Daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

arthritis joke

A drunk, who smelled of beer sat down, on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of personal hygiene."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on the man's arm and apologized. "I'm sorry.... I should not have come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Trailer too small? Put on an addition!

Who would put an addition on their trailer? And it's not just a trailer but it's a travel trailer! This cracks me up. I found it in a real estate magazine for Delaware.

Sell your regrets on Ebay, like these leather pants.

Funny auction on ebay - someone was selling their leather pants:

You are bidding on a mistake. We all make mistakes. We date
the wrong people for too long. We chew gum with our mouths
open. We say inappropriate things in front of grandma.

And we buy leather pants.

I can explain these pants and why they are in my possession. I
bought them many, many years ago under the spell of a
woman whom I believed to have taste. She suggested I try
them on. I did. She said they looked good. I wanted to have a
relationship of sorts with her. I'm stupid and prone to impulsive
decisions. I bought the pants.

The relationship, probably for better, never materialised. The
girl, whose name I can't even recall, is a distant memory. I
think she was short.

Ultimately, the pants were placed in the closet where they have
remained, unworn, for nearly a decade. I would like to
emphasise that aside from trying these pants on, they have
never, ever been worn. In public or private.

I have not worn these leather pants for the following reasons:

I am not a member of Queen.

I do not like motorcycles.

I am not Rod Stewart.

I am not French.

I do not cruise for transvestites in an expensive sports car.

These were not cheap leather pants. They are Donna Karan
leather pants. They're for men. Brave men, I would think.
Perhaps tattooed, pierced men. In fact, I'll go so far as to say
you either have to be very tough, very gay, or very famous to
wear these pants and get away with it.

Again, they're men's pants, but they'd probably look great on
the right lady. Ladies can get away with leather pants much
more often than men can. It's a sad fact that men who own
leather pants will have to come to terms with.

They are size 34x34. I am no longer size 34x34, so even were I
to suddenly decide I was a famous gay biker I would not be
able to wear these pants. These pants are destined for
someone else. For reasons unknown - perhaps to keep my
options open, in case I wanted to become a pirate - I have
shuffled these unworn pants from house to house, closet to
closet. Alas, it is now time to part ways so that I may use the
extra room for any rhinestone-studded jeans I may purchase in
the future.

These pants are in excellent condition. They were never taken
on pirate expeditions. They weren't worn onstage. They didn't
straddle a Harley, or a guy named Harley. They just hung
there, sad and ignored, for a few presidencies.

Someone, somewhere, will look great in these pants. I'm
hoping that someone is you, or that you can be suckered into
buying them by a girl you're trying to bed. Please buy these
leather pants.

My favorite bad writing

Here are my favorite examples from the 2005 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest:

"The dragon cast his wet, rheumy eyes, heavy-lidded with misery, over his kingdom-a malodorous, rot-ridden swamp, with moss cloaking brooding, gloomy cypresses, tree trunks like decayed teeth rising from stagnant ponds, creatures with mildewed fur and scales whom the meanest roadside zoo would have rejected--and hoped the antidepressants would kick in soon."

"She walked toward him, her dress billowing in the wind -- not a calm and predictable billows like the sea, but more like the billowing of a mildewed shower curtain in a cheap motel where one has to dance around to avoid touching it while trying to rinse off soap."

"After she realized the man she had fallen in love with was her long lost twin brother and they must break up immediately, they shared one last kiss that left a bitter yet sweet taste in her mouth--kind of like throwing up after eating a junior mint."

They say not to go to bed angry.

Oh this is so bad. (cartoon)

Well, you asked...

me, sometimes.

At the end of the month, anyway. Don't get me angry. But do feed me lots of chocolate.

My hair belongs to this hair club.

My hair is just like this too. It's very sad.

stuff on my cat - my new favorite site

I can't believe how compliant these cats are!

Awesome picture of Hurricane Wilma

spider ID page - creepiest spiders I ever saw

Since I'm on a spider kick, I went surfing the internet and found this spider identification page. Some of the biggest, baddest, creepiest spiders I ever saw reside on this page. What is it about spiders that makes them so universally creepy? It's like there's a gene or something that makes us shudder and find them repulsive. More than, say, a beetle or a worm. I could handle those things walking over me a heck of a lot better than some of the monsters on that page!

Geek or Serial Killer? Take the test.

I did better at this than the hemale/shemale test I mentioned earlier. Still... it's not that easy...! Take the test.

silkworm pupas. They're not just for breakfast anymore.

Steve doesn't get grossed out by anything. Here he tries silkworm pupas in his latest 'Steve don't eat it.'

Good stuff to read - 5 craigslist posts and one blog

Recent Craigslist postings you have to read:

Bright orange vomit

Damage from Rita

Memo to my cat: I'm a vegan

10 reasons why gay marriage should be illegal

A day in the life of an internet junkie

And lastly, a cool new blog I found: Amy Storch's Amalah.com.

Gas prices

Female or shemale? Take the test.

Man I totally failed this. Female or shemale test. Warning - there *is* music so you might want to turn down your speakers.

spleen resources, including "how can I keep my spleen clean?"

Since this is a spleen blog, there should be some spleen resources. Here goes:

• alt.spleen has a spleen FAQ, including "how can I keep my spleen clean?" and other questions (note that there are 4 parts to this FAQ).
• What does the spleen do? Includes a picture of the organ and link to splenectomy and inflammation.
• I'm not the only one with a spleen blog.
• Shakespeare loved spleens, see how much!
• And I just learned from the spleen wikipedia entry that approximately 10% of people have one or more accessory spleens.

That's all for now. Happy spleening!

Don't fall for this.

This is my brain

Want to know what's inside my head 99.9% of the time? Go here.

Clientcopia.com - funny story of a computer user

I found this on clientcopia.com - an aggregate of aggravations caused by clients in the IT world. This particular one is about a computer user at a University:

I was IT support for a major East Coast university. Part of my responsibilities was keeping the corporate training rooms up and running. As a classroom, our instructors were provided with monitoring software to view what was on the clients' screens. I got this call from one of our instructors (a competent,intelligent individual).

Instructor: Mike, please come up and explain to this user WHY she is being removed from the class.

Me: Huh?

Instructor: You need to come up for this. Trust me.

So I go on up and see what the problem is. Often the job of IT support is to referee between the knowledgeable and the clueless. The student and the instructor are out in the hall. Both are irate.

Instructor: This user has violated our acceptable practices policy, and is being removed.

Student (female, corporate lawyer): The instructor is lying! The computer is off! You can't prove anything!

Me: Ma'am, I have never known this person to lie, but I will be happy to verify the problem.

We go back into the classroom, and the first place I look is on the instructor's workstation. I see a constantly running series of lesbian porn videos playing on this student's PC. I quickly checked the time/date stamps, and all had been downloaded in the previous two hours.

Student (at her desk): See? My computer is off.

Me (in front of the class, loudly): No, ma'am, your monitor is off. Your PC is still running fine. Would you like me to display for the class the disputed videos?

Instructor(stifling a laugh): I don't think that would be wise.

Student: You can do that?

Me:Yes, I can.

Student: I'll leave now.

The funny twist of the story is that the woman in question is the corporate lawyer responsible for setting up the acceptable practices policies!

How to keep Jehova's Witnesses at Bay...

crazy emails that Snopes receives

I thought I got wacky emails from my parakeet pages but you should see the ones that Snopes gets for their Urban Legend pages. My favorite is:

"They say that if a person has a pet cat and dies, if the person's body is not found fairly soon after death, the cat, having not been fed, will become ravenously hungry and eat the dead person's face off - JUST the face!

"Is this true? My cat often looks me in the face. I used to think he was just being friendly. Now I know he's just sizing me up, like a chef at a butcher shop, waiting for "the big day". Since hearing this rumor, every time my cat licks his chops it gives me the willies!"

New! The ipod flea, the smallest MP3 player yet.

nuns eating lunch (photo)

computers - hidden features revealed!

REAL computer features

marriage across the globe

I read this today and laughed:

A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Pedophile sticking up for Michael Jackson (on Howard Stern show)

So this morning I'm listening to Howard Stern when someone calls in and says "Michael Jackson is extremely misunderstood. Sleeping with children is not a big deal, I do it all the time."

Howard begins probing. "So who are these children you're sleeping with?" "My nieces and nephews and sometimes their friends." "Do you ever touch them inappropriately?" "NO of course not!"

More probing.

Howard: "So why do you sleep with children?"
Guy: "Because I love their innocence and want to hold it close to me. I'm a 6th-grade teacher and I love kids."
Howard: "Do you ever touch them in bed?"
Guy: "No, only tickle, cuddle, spoon, and hug."

Everyone in the studio starts to groan.

Howard: "Are you married?" "
Guy: Yes."
Howard: "Does your wife know you sleep with these children?"
Guy: "No."
Howard: "Have the kids ever said anything to their parents?"
Guy: "YES, one of them told their parents and now their parents won't let them come over anymore and then they told some of the neighbors and it makes me look really bad. Now I'm going to have to tell my wife and I don't think she'll understand."

Then Howard asks "Have you ever been turned on while cuddling with them?" There's a loooong silence and the guy sounds shaken but admits "Well no one ever goes NEAR the area so no one knows." "Well do you ever fantasize about them?" Another long silence and the guy finally admits that he does but says he would never act on it.

Howard: "Dude, you're a pedophile!"
Robin: "Why are you trying to absolve someone else of something that you're guilty of yourself?"

Couldn't believe it! There's no transcript of this online but I can't believe how much this guy buried himself.

Creepy video

Someone forwarded this to me at work and I almost died...
.............

Strange but interesting. This is a car advertisement from somewhere. When they finished filming the ad the people who made it noticed something moving along the side of the car, like a ghostly white mist, and an eerie sound that you can barely hear (must have sound).

The ad was never put on TV because of the unexplained ghostly phenomenon. Watch it and about halfway through, you will see the white mist crossing infront of the car then following it along the road.

>>VIEW AD
(wmv format)

But it's a dangerous cheeseburger!

You have to hear this. A woman called the police because she couldn't get a burger joint to make the kind of cheeseburger she wanted.

http://www.2dorks.com/junk/bkcomplaint.mp3

Uh oh... (husband's worse nightmare)

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing.

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night. You hear her stumble into bed around 4 a.m.

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo,which she used last night. You are happy to see it all in one piece.

But ... Wait a minute ...

Download the internet. You know you want it.

It will only take 4,000 years! Download the internet here.

Steve ate it.

Oh. my. god. I nearly choked to death laughing when I read this. You *have* to read the "Steve Don't Eat It" series. If you get grossed out easily don't say you weren't warned by the title!

Sniglets

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

creative advertising

I verified this - it's not some photoshopped picture but actually a real truck! This cracks me up. They're located in Nova Scotia.

Jewish Dog joke

Saul visits Abe and sees a dog in the house.

"So what kind of dog is this?" asks Saul.

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Abe.

"Watch this," continues Abe as he points to the dog. "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving walks slowly to the door, then turns around and says, "So why are
you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing.
And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis...You give me
this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a
special diet...It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!...And do
you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short
pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the
sciatica wouldn't kill me so much!"

Sol, amazed, tells Abe how remarkable this is, to which Abe answers, "I
don't know, I think this dog has a hearing problem.

I said fetch, and he thought I said kvetch."

ps. Fahkahkta means awful or crazy. Someone can tell you a Fahkahkta story, a crazy story that makes no sense.

You might be a redneck if...

Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

You have a relative living in your garage.

Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.

You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

None of the tires on your van are the same size.

You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.

Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.

Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.

You've slow danced in the Waffle House.

Starting your car involves popping the hood.

Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.

Brain Damage, on sale now!!

I was really looking for something else, but who can pass up a good sale on brain damage?





Update 3/5/2007: I should have realized someone else would have put together a whole slew of these ebay ads. I am cracking up:

http://splunks.com/node/328

"Great deals on Fascists"
"New and used Drool"
"New & used Severed Heads"

etc.!

-spleen

hideous shoes

The wicked witch of the west meets the carebears and comes out of the closet:

http://www.veer.com/products/detail.aspx?image=NSP0055042

Chinese Proverbs

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Her Diary vs. His Diary

HER DIARY

Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.; he seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

_________
HIS DIARY

Today the Raiders lost, but at least I had sex.

Ventings from my Spleen

This is an honest-to-goodness phone conversation I had when calling a
dealership about a car:

me "Hi, do you still have the 1998 volvo station wagon with 91K miles on
your lot?"

guy "I'm the sales manager. Hold on, I will check."

... 5 minutes later...

guy "nope I guess that's been sold. It's not on the lot."

me "It's been sold for sure or is that a guess?"

guy "well I just went out into the parking lot and I don't see it so I
guess it's been sold."

me "Don't you have a database or something that you can check more
definitively?"

guy "Oh yeah, good idea. Hold on a minute."

... 5 minutes later...

guy "yep! You were right! I found it, someone just parked it somewhere
else! It's here if you want to see it."

===

Ok, I know I don't run a dealership but shouldn't the sales manager know
better than me where to look for the car???? AGGGHHH!

spleen

That's where I buried the feckin' bodies!

another joke... enjoy. -spleen

.........

Old Sean lived alone in Northern Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Mick,

I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Father,

For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them feckin' BODIES!

Love, Mick

At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Father,

Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Mick

funny telemarketing stories

I found these on an anti-telemarketing website - some people's stories for
how they've dealt with those annoying phone calls
(www.antitelemarketer.com). It's hilarious! The last one is the best.

-------------------------------

Allied Comfort (a furnace cleaning organization) calls me and offers a
furnace cleaning for $19.95 (why not just say $20?). I told her "Are you
kidding? I don't have a furnace, I live in a box!" Sounding a bit puzzled,
the telemarketer responds "an office?".. No! I said I live in a box!
(telemarketer laughs hysterically then hangs up on me)

=======================

I once had a telemarketer call and ask me if I wanted to buy vinyl siding
for my home. I said "sure come on over". I wish I saw their faces when
they arrived at a 72 apartment complex made of brick. I never heard from
them again.

=======================

My favorite are pest control companies. I tell them I have a MAJOR pest
control problem but will only hire them if they guarantee to kill the
pests dead, dead, dead! When they ask what kind of infestation I have, I
tell them: telemarketers, and when you can exterminate them, I'll hire
your company. But I want them killed slowly, and with as much pain as
possible. What are your rates?

=======================

A chemlawn (or some such person) called wanting to know if he wanted to
have his lawn poisoned. He said it sounded interesting but he had just had
his lawn paved over...he got tired of mowing it. They didn't have a
comeback, except "Thanks! Click."

=======================

When I get calls from TM's selling credit cards (pre-approved! no annual
fee!) I tell them I have ideological convictions that prevent me from
using credit cards. For example:

"I'm a Marxist. A credit card would allow me to accumulate capital and
thereby oppress my fellow proletariat. You, my fellow worker, are just a
tool of the bourgeoisie. You have been alienated from your labor, and
there are capitalists in line to sleep with your wife. Unionize! Revolt!"

=======================

TM: would you like to buy blah blah something gold at incredibly low
APR?

you: really? I can do that? even though I've been out of a job for the
last year and am on welfare with 4 kids and a sick wife/husband and I just
filed for bankruptcy? Send me 8!

=======================

I am a college student from a small town. I don't exactly have alot of
money so naturally I can't afford having a credit card. So one day I get
this call to my dorm room of all places and the conversation went
something as follows.

TM: (in strong southern accent like all TM's) Hi I'm so and so from
Citibank visa blah blah do you want a credit card?

ME: No

TM: Can I ask why?

ME: (pissed)why? why? I'll tell you why, I am a college student. You
know damn well that college kids are the poorest people on earth so why
sell me a credit card?

TM: well

Me: (cutting her off) I am not buying a damn credit card and even if I
did would probably max it out and then not be able to afford college
and get stuck in a dead end job telemarketing JUST LIKE YOU.

TM: well you don't have to take this out on me, what did I ever do to
you?

ME: and another thing, you must have a serious ethical problem if you
are trying to make college kids poor so they can't afford college
anymore and I think you should look into this problem.

TM: I think you have an ethical problem why do you have to take this
out on me?

Me: Shut up I don't like don't like telemarketers that's why so don't
call here anymore. (CLICK!!!)

The dead end job thing really seems to hit a personal nerve and I even
made the telemarketer start crying.

=======================

TM: Hi, I'm from the blah blah daily paper with a blah blah deal....

Me... The Blah Blah paper?? I already get that one!! You haven't
discontinued me have you?? I know I didn't tip the paperboy but
sheesh..

TM: No Ma'am, we were just checking on your service!

=======================

MCI started calling me routinely and never left a message on my machine.
The MCI solicitor caught me at home one Friday evening and started in with
his sales pitch. I said, "I'm not very interested, thank you." and he
said, "Well aren't you interested in saving money, Ms. Smith?" I said,
"Excuse me, what was your name? Carl? Let me get this straight, I'm at
home having fun with friends watching a movie on Friday night and you're
stuck in a sweatshop doing the world's most despicable dead-end job and
you're offering ME financial advice? No thanks!"

=======================

My dad got repeated phone calls from some guy who wanted him to invest in something. He kept promising him a high return on his initial investment. My father tried to persuade him by saying he didn't have any extra money to invest right now, but the guy persisted and kept calling back. Finally, he called and told my father that they had a new offer and for only $500 he had the potential of earning $10,000. My father said "well great. Then you know what if you're willing to put up the initial $500 for me I'll pay you back when I get my return". He never heard from him again.