Saturday, April 30, 2005

That's where I buried the feckin' bodies!

another joke... enjoy. -spleen


Old Sean lived alone in Northern Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Mick,

I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Father,

For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them feckin' BODIES!

Love, Mick

At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Father,

Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Mick

Thursday, April 28, 2005

funny telemarketing stories

I found these on an anti-telemarketing website - some people's stories for
how they've dealt with those annoying phone calls
( It's hilarious! The last one is the best.


Allied Comfort (a furnace cleaning organization) calls me and offers a
furnace cleaning for $19.95 (why not just say $20?). I told her "Are you
kidding? I don't have a furnace, I live in a box!" Sounding a bit puzzled,
the telemarketer responds "an office?".. No! I said I live in a box!
(telemarketer laughs hysterically then hangs up on me)


I once had a telemarketer call and ask me if I wanted to buy vinyl siding
for my home. I said "sure come on over". I wish I saw their faces when
they arrived at a 72 apartment complex made of brick. I never heard from
them again.


My favorite are pest control companies. I tell them I have a MAJOR pest
control problem but will only hire them if they guarantee to kill the
pests dead, dead, dead! When they ask what kind of infestation I have, I
tell them: telemarketers, and when you can exterminate them, I'll hire
your company. But I want them killed slowly, and with as much pain as
possible. What are your rates?


A chemlawn (or some such person) called wanting to know if he wanted to
have his lawn poisoned. He said it sounded interesting but he had just had
his lawn paved over...he got tired of mowing it. They didn't have a
comeback, except "Thanks! Click."


When I get calls from TM's selling credit cards (pre-approved! no annual
fee!) I tell them I have ideological convictions that prevent me from
using credit cards. For example:

"I'm a Marxist. A credit card would allow me to accumulate capital and
thereby oppress my fellow proletariat. You, my fellow worker, are just a
tool of the bourgeoisie. You have been alienated from your labor, and
there are capitalists in line to sleep with your wife. Unionize! Revolt!"


TM: would you like to buy blah blah something gold at incredibly low

you: really? I can do that? even though I've been out of a job for the
last year and am on welfare with 4 kids and a sick wife/husband and I just
filed for bankruptcy? Send me 8!


I am a college student from a small town. I don't exactly have alot of
money so naturally I can't afford having a credit card. So one day I get
this call to my dorm room of all places and the conversation went
something as follows.

TM: (in strong southern accent like all TM's) Hi I'm so and so from
Citibank visa blah blah do you want a credit card?

ME: No

TM: Can I ask why?

ME: (pissed)why? why? I'll tell you why, I am a college student. You
know damn well that college kids are the poorest people on earth so why
sell me a credit card?

TM: well

Me: (cutting her off) I am not buying a damn credit card and even if I
did would probably max it out and then not be able to afford college
and get stuck in a dead end job telemarketing JUST LIKE YOU.

TM: well you don't have to take this out on me, what did I ever do to

ME: and another thing, you must have a serious ethical problem if you
are trying to make college kids poor so they can't afford college
anymore and I think you should look into this problem.

TM: I think you have an ethical problem why do you have to take this
out on me?

Me: Shut up I don't like don't like telemarketers that's why so don't
call here anymore. (CLICK!!!)

The dead end job thing really seems to hit a personal nerve and I even
made the telemarketer start crying.


TM: Hi, I'm from the blah blah daily paper with a blah blah deal....

Me... The Blah Blah paper?? I already get that one!! You haven't
discontinued me have you?? I know I didn't tip the paperboy but

TM: No Ma'am, we were just checking on your service!


MCI started calling me routinely and never left a message on my machine.
The MCI solicitor caught me at home one Friday evening and started in with
his sales pitch. I said, "I'm not very interested, thank you." and he
said, "Well aren't you interested in saving money, Ms. Smith?" I said,
"Excuse me, what was your name? Carl? Let me get this straight, I'm at
home having fun with friends watching a movie on Friday night and you're
stuck in a sweatshop doing the world's most despicable dead-end job and
you're offering ME financial advice? No thanks!"


My dad got repeated phone calls from some guy who wanted him to invest in something. He kept promising him a high return on his initial investment. My father tried to persuade him by saying he didn't have any extra money to invest right now, but the guy persisted and kept calling back. Finally, he called and told my father that they had a new offer and for only $500 he had the potential of earning $10,000. My father said "well great. Then you know what if you're willing to put up the initial $500 for me I'll pay you back when I get my return". He never heard from him again.