Thursday, November 6, 2008

Hell as explained by a chemistry student

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

Thursday, September 25, 2008

-- if women ruled the world





Sunday, September 21, 2008

-- toilet birthday cake (or, turning 40)

Fantastic. I need to learn how to make this.How to make a toilet birthday cake.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

funny domain names

Bad Domain Names

All of these are companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear - and be misread...

  1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is
    www.whorepresents.com/

  2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange Advice and views at
    www.expertsexchange.com/

  3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
    www.penisland.net/

  4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
    www.therapistfinder.com/

  5. There's the Italian Power Generator company,
    www.powergenitalia.com/

  6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,
    www.molestationnursery.com/

  7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there?s always
    www.ipanywhere.com/

  8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
    www.cummingfirst.com/

  9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
    www.speedofart.com/
Thanks to Kevin Forgot (who's also on twitter)!
from http://humour.200ok.com.au/bad-domain-names.html

Friday, September 12, 2008

-- Procrastination flow chart

The procrastination flow chart. My favorite part is the loop that leads to "are you hungry?"

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

cyber sex chats, gone terribly wrong

http://people.ambrosiasw.com/~andrew/funny/bloodcyber.html

favorites:

Bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
Bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
Bloodninja: Baby?

...

DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order

Thursday, August 14, 2008

my life broken into segments

-- if pharmacist's spoke like doctors wrote

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Funny chat conversation, captured

This cracked me up:

chuck: have u tried age of conan yet on another not have u gotten ur season 4 pvp or teir 6 pve armor yet
*note

me: wow i wish that was english so i could reply
Read more -->

Saturday, May 24, 2008

-- your 12 year old internet chat room friend

Saturday, May 17, 2008

-- sniglets (or made-up words)

Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning an d cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Monday, May 5, 2008

-- funny quotes on sex

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex --no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love." Woody Allen

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

Sunday, May 4, 2008

-- on mammograms


Thursday, April 10, 2008

-- fatal computer error

It can't be that fatal, can it? lol

Sunday, March 30, 2008

what's at the end of the rainbow


Finally , someone has managed to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

-- JC Penney catalog from 1977

One of the funniest things I've read on the internet in a long time. Blog post: JC Penney catalog from 1977.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

-- Wal-Mart Has Everything

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab .
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

Friday, March 14, 2008

-- Happy pi day! (from Will Wheaton)

Happy pi day, from Will Wheaton.

-- bad day at the office?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

-- "did I do something?" cartoon

I may not be able to post every day but I do try and bring you good-quality stuff. This one cracked me up:

Friday, March 7, 2008

-- funny cartoons on aging











Friday, February 15, 2008

Dad's gigantic prostate

It's so bad it's good...

Just an audio file but I cannot stop laughing!
Dad's gigantic prostate: http://us.share.geocities.com/piggythedog/prostate.mp3

--spleen

ps. for some reason, this link breaks every few weeks. If it's down when you try to look at it, go to his main page (http://us.share.geocities.com/piggythedog) and click directly on the "Dad's Gigantic Prostate" link from there (scroll down, it's under "Joel's Songs").

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

-- the FAIL blog - full of failures

See the FAIL blog for pix of things that didn't quite work out, like this:

Monday, February 4, 2008

-- your house as seen by...

Your house as seen by:

Yourself:

Your buyer:

Your lender:

Your appraiser:

Your NJ tax assessor:

Monday, January 28, 2008

-- letter from the over-35 crowd to today's youth

The Spoiled Under 35 Crowd

(If you are 35 or older you will think this is hilarious!)

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that...

I'm over the ripe old age of thirty five , I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! and I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it!

1. When I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2. There was no email! ! We had to actually write somebody a letter... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

3. There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

4. We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

5. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

6. We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics were horrible! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! . Just like LIFE!

7. When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

8. Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no screen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!

9. And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing or a pan with HOT oil and Real popcorn kernels and shake it all over the stove forever like an idiot.

10. When we were on the phone with our friends and our parents walked-in, we were stuck to the wall with a cord, a 7 foot cord that ran to the phone - not the phone base, the actual phone. We barely had enough length to sit on the floor and still be able to twirl the phone cord in our fingers. If you suddenly had to go to the bathroom - guess what we had to do.....hang up and talk to them later.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 35 Crowd

Saturday, January 26, 2008

-- What she needs (joke)


A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, and walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Monday and Wednesdays but on Fridays I go fishing."

Monday, January 21, 2008

-- Nontraditional A Cappella Christmas song

Sounds traditional at the beginning but worth listening 'til the very end.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

moving tip

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

-- Kid sandwiched between two fatties on a bike

There is actually a child in this photo, look hard. Poor kid. No one likes being trapped between parents no matter what size.

Monday, January 14, 2008

-- why you shouldn't let your mom make your wedding invitations!

Sunday, January 13, 2008

-- Brothel Trip (joke)


An elderly man (different one) goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the madam. Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?

...

image credits

Monday, January 7, 2008

-- Advice for advertisers - if you're selling anti-wrinkle cream, the models shouldn't have wrinkles

I got this in the mail the other day and was looking it over thinking hmmm, I could maybe use an anti-wrinkle cream.



Then I'm looking more closely at the ad.... shouldn't the model be a shining example of what I will look like once I slather this stuff on my face? I've never SEEN crows feet like these! Maybe the advertisers were only focusing on the "slackened-skin" chin and didn't notice the Klingon wrinkle set further up but come on. You could have Photoshopped this a little better than that!

Saturday, January 5, 2008

-- computer jokes