Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Thoughts about flying from George Carlin

Check out this funny collection of airplane quotes from George Carlin, from "Words of Wisdom We've Heard Over Airline PA Systems." which includes other stuff, like quotes from passengers: (after a rough landing) "Did we land, or did we get shot down?"

I also like the list of snippets from airline maintenance logs. Enjoy! --spleen

"They say 'Get on the plane! Get on the plane'!......I say ' f**k you, I'm getting IN the plane!'. Let Evil Kneivel get ON the plane."

"as part of this boarding process, they say, "We would like to pre-board." Well what exactly is that, anyway? What does it mean to pre-board? To get on before you get on!"

"When two planes almost collide, they call it a near miss. IT'S A NEAR HIT! A collision is a near miss. POOOF, look, they nearly missed. YES, BUT NOT QUITE!!!"

" 'In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure'--ROOF FLIES OFF! ' . . An oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. Place the mask over your face and breathe normally.' Well, I have no problem with that. I always breathe normally when I'm in a 600 mile an hour uncontrolled vertical dive. I also s**t normally. RIGHT IN MY PANTS!"

"They tell you to adjust YOUR oxygen mask before helping your child with his. I did not need to be told that. In fact, I'm probably going to be too busy screaming to help him at all. This will be a good time for him to learn self-reliance. If he can program his fucking VCR, he could goddamn, jolly-well learn to adjust an oxygen mask. Fairly simple thing, just a little rubber band in the back is all it is. Not nearly as complicated as say, for instance, a seatbelt."

" 'In the unlikely event of a water landing . . .' Well, what exactly is a water landing? Am I mistaken, or does this sound somewhat similar to CRASHING INTO THE OCEAN!?' "

" 'Enjoy your stay in Chicago, or wherever your final destination might be.' All destinations are final! That's what it means, destiny-final. If you haven't gotten where you're going, you aren't there yet."

Friday, March 2, 2007

Why men shouldn't take messages

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:

Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.