Wednesday, November 2, 2005

Sell your regrets on Ebay, like these leather pants.

Funny auction on ebay - someone was selling their leather pants:

You are bidding on a mistake. We all make mistakes. We date
the wrong people for too long. We chew gum with our mouths
open. We say inappropriate things in front of grandma.

And we buy leather pants.

I can explain these pants and why they are in my possession. I
bought them many, many years ago under the spell of a
woman whom I believed to have taste. She suggested I try
them on. I did. She said they looked good. I wanted to have a
relationship of sorts with her. I'm stupid and prone to impulsive
decisions. I bought the pants.

The relationship, probably for better, never materialised. The
girl, whose name I can't even recall, is a distant memory. I
think she was short.

Ultimately, the pants were placed in the closet where they have
remained, unworn, for nearly a decade. I would like to
emphasise that aside from trying these pants on, they have
never, ever been worn. In public or private.

I have not worn these leather pants for the following reasons:

I am not a member of Queen.

I do not like motorcycles.

I am not Rod Stewart.

I am not French.

I do not cruise for transvestites in an expensive sports car.

These were not cheap leather pants. They are Donna Karan
leather pants. They're for men. Brave men, I would think.
Perhaps tattooed, pierced men. In fact, I'll go so far as to say
you either have to be very tough, very gay, or very famous to
wear these pants and get away with it.

Again, they're men's pants, but they'd probably look great on
the right lady. Ladies can get away with leather pants much
more often than men can. It's a sad fact that men who own
leather pants will have to come to terms with.

They are size 34x34. I am no longer size 34x34, so even were I
to suddenly decide I was a famous gay biker I would not be
able to wear these pants. These pants are destined for
someone else. For reasons unknown - perhaps to keep my
options open, in case I wanted to become a pirate - I have
shuffled these unworn pants from house to house, closet to
closet. Alas, it is now time to part ways so that I may use the
extra room for any rhinestone-studded jeans I may purchase in
the future.

These pants are in excellent condition. They were never taken
on pirate expeditions. They weren't worn onstage. They didn't
straddle a Harley, or a guy named Harley. They just hung
there, sad and ignored, for a few presidencies.

Someone, somewhere, will look great in these pants. I'm
hoping that someone is you, or that you can be suckered into
buying them by a girl you're trying to bed. Please buy these
leather pants.