Friday, May 27, 2005
You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night. You hear her stumble into bed around 4 a.m.
You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo,which she used last night. You are happy to see it all in one piece.
But ... Wait a minute ...
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Friday, May 20, 2005
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Sunday, May 8, 2005
Saturday, May 7, 2005
Saul visits Abe and sees a dog in the house.
"So what kind of dog is this?" asks Saul.
"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Abe.
"Watch this," continues Abe as he points to the dog. "Irving, Fetch!"
Irving walks slowly to the door, then turns around and says, "So why are
you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing.
And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis...You give me
this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a
special diet...It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!...And do
you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short
pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the
sciatica wouldn't kill me so much!"
Sol, amazed, tells Abe how remarkable this is, to which Abe answers, "I
don't know, I think this dog has a hearing problem.
I said fetch, and he thought I said kvetch."
ps. Fahkahkta means awful or crazy. Someone can tell you a Fahkahkta story, a crazy story that makes no sense.
Friday, May 6, 2005
Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
You have a relative living in your garage.
Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
None of the tires on your van are the same size.
You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.
Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
You've slow danced in the Waffle House.
Starting your car involves popping the hood.
Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
Thursday, May 5, 2005
Update 3/5/2007: I should have realized someone else would have put together a whole slew of these ebay ads. I am cracking up:
"Great deals on Fascists"
"New and used Drool"
"New & used Severed Heads"
The wicked witch of the west meets the carebears and comes out of the closet:
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Tuesday, May 3, 2005
Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.; he seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Today the Raiders lost, but at least I had sex.
Monday, May 2, 2005
This is an honest-to-goodness phone conversation I had when calling a
dealership about a car:
me "Hi, do you still have the 1998 volvo station wagon with 91K miles on
guy "I'm the sales manager. Hold on, I will check."
... 5 minutes later...
guy "nope I guess that's been sold. It's not on the lot."
me "It's been sold for sure or is that a guess?"
guy "well I just went out into the parking lot and I don't see it so I
guess it's been sold."
me "Don't you have a database or something that you can check more
guy "Oh yeah, good idea. Hold on a minute."
... 5 minutes later...
guy "yep! You were right! I found it, someone just parked it somewhere
else! It's here if you want to see it."
Ok, I know I don't run a dealership but shouldn't the sales manager know
better than me where to look for the car???? AGGGHHH!